Sunday, 23 May 2010

Several tangents bundled together and passed off as a post.

There is nothing particularly entertaining here, just psychoanalysing myself. Felt the need to blog it because it's nice to vent to the ether when you don't have a psychologist handy. Feel free not to humour me, or to skip to less egocentric posts :) I mind not.
On Friday we learnt about systems for assessing the stage of cancer- they have different names- Duke's, TNM, Ann Arbor, etc, according to which type of cancer it is.When our tutor said, 'So what's Ann Arbor?' I had to physically swallow to restrain myself from calling out, 'It's where you park a boat.'
Yes. Black humour meets the worst pun in the world. This is what uni does to you. I've never made a pun in my life, but my brain decides to switch on the Punchline Centre when it comes to cancer. 
It's an interesting point, though- doesn't everyone get the irrepressible urge to laugh at the most sober moments? I heard somewhere it's a defence mechanism. I know if someone starts to tell me a really depressing story, and they're looking right at me, I can't stop myself smiling. And coming across as the most crass human being on the planet. I then feel the need to assure them that I do appreciate the shit-ness of the situation by exclaiming, 'That's horrible!', whilst still grinning. Fail. And yet I'm one of these overly-emotional, empathise-with-everyone, would-buy-a-big-issue-from-every-vendor-in-Leicester people. Just very, very bad at showing it.
It tends to be people I know that I'm worse with. I don't seem to have a problem expressing sympathy to patients. The other day, one of my friends was utterly distraught, having heard some bad news from back home. She told me, half in tears, and instead of the obvious comforting response, I went into mechanical-mode and did what was practical- helped her with her work, because she wasn't thinking straight.
I also did it when my mum was ill about 2 years ago- most of the family was either crying or panicking. I totally shut down, and went a bit robot, and just did what was practical, no reactions whatsoever. Every situation where there's been panic in the family, I've just shut off all expression and come across as cold/detached. The feeling holds off until it's all over, and then I'm overwhelmed by it when I'm finally by myself. And then the thought of it haunts me indefinitely.
Is that a type A personality thing? The same as bottling up stress? I'm sure it's healthier to let out how you're feeling at the time ¬_¬
I've mixed up the idea of finding humour in depressing situations, and just turning into a robot in depressing situations. Both seem a little dysfunctional, if I'm honest. Basically, this sums up as: I am a prime candidate for coronary artery disease, based on being Asian, with the fitness level of a brick, and an internal stress gauge that needs routine replacement due to overheating and smashing. I'm really going to have to put an end to these modifiable risk factors- can't help being brown, but I'm sure if I get over the social anxiety of entering a gym, and put away this half-finished Pepsi....
Well, baby steps. Nothing too drastic. I'll start with the gym. But I do hate it when you walk in and everyone looks at you :| You can feel the judgement, as they size you up, assess whether to put you in the category of 'Bitch. Too thin to be in a gym, only here to rub my face in it' or 'Beached whale. Stay, so I can feel better about myself.'
Women have an uncanny ability to assess your dress size within seconds, add it to a list of your flaws, and then cross match it with their own. It is only then that they will make the decision of whether to be friendly, or go frost-maiden on you.
Maybe that was a bit cynical. It's why I don't go to gyms, anyway ¬_¬ And why I'm always intimidated in groups of girls.
As for life at the moment: well, it does not exist. I am a machine, existing only to revise, eat, and sleep.  And the Sun is evil, and messes with my head. Which is why I am spewing bizarre posts like this.  So I'd better be off :)
By the way, Gorillaz sang this on Jonathon Ross, and I thought it sounded rather pretty and dreamlike.


Once more unto the breach, etc.


  1. Fail to agree with u, uv always been great with me and my breakdowns, i think you are a great listener etc. I saw the gorillaz and what was with the immature play fighting thing, remind me not to invite ross 'less' noble when i am im rich and famous. My parents would not be impressed! Oh and how gorgeous is damon? Swoons... Yey ur smiling!

  2. You're thin (now)! Jeeeees.
    You're an excellent listener and a great person, don't get worked up by things that shouldn't really matter.
    It seems like your INFJ-ness is getting the better of you.
    Anytime you need anything Humbean...

  3. Everyone deals with stress/heartache in different ways because we're all totally unique. There's no right or wrong way of doing things, especially things linked to emotions. Don't feel sorry about going all detatched - it's just your way of coping and those close to you understand that. And the smiling at bad stuff things - everyone does it. And it probably is an innate defence mechanism which means it isn't your fault.
    We have another similarity - I also hate the sun. Evil weather. Grrr....

    *waves and smiles*

  4. Thank you to all of you for the reassurance, lol, like I said, I think about this stuff for ages, and then eventually it all comes pouring out and then I feel like a twit when I read it back. See: now. And why I decided to have a gym rant is beyond me. I must've been very sleepy.

    Aunty M- Well thank you, late night venting is what we do :P And I didn't know Damon Albarn existed, or anything about the Oasis/Blur battle, but now he is officially great :D The wrestling made me laugh, in a horrified way, lol.

    Emad-ness- Thank you, I do believe you're right. For once...¬_¬ lol. Damn INFJ self indulgence. I'm moving on. And...Humbean? Really? Ouch :P

    DM- Thanks, I am putting this small, intense period of worry behind me :) Aren't your exams over? Hope they went/are going well! :D

    *waves to all*