Sunday, 13 September 2009

Frayed nerves. blog is rebelling against me, and has refused to tell me when people leave comments, so I can't moderate them and therefore don't know if anyone's commented :( Saf left one, but only after he 'worked a bit of magic' in his own words- code for clicking the 'comment' button several thousand times until it posted. I mean, it's not as though I need comments to validate my existence (...aherm) but it'd be NICE if Blogger wouldn't be so NASTY after I FINALLY concede to starting a BLOG HERE! *Calms self*

So yeah... I wasn't intending on blogging every day, this is just a nervous reaction, because several things have come up at once since yesterday, after a long period of not having to worry about anything. And since I haven't worried in a few weeks, it makes a big change to have the same level of anxiety as I had on a constant basis for the last seven years. :| I know. Totally.

Firstly- Heartstart- Shehzad, the instructor got in touch and has asked me and Zainab to run another Heartstart course for two people from school who want it for their personal statements. This makes me anxious in two ways: Firstly, it brought back the whole personal statement nightmare of last September- bloody hell, bad times. Which in turn brings back all those mental crises I had, and even though they're irrelevant now, I still get that horrible stomach-dropping feeling when I think about it. Secondly, I worry about holding the course because I keep thinking I've forgotten it all, so I won't be able to relax until I've sat down and properly gone through all the theory/practical in my head, even though I know I have a basic grip of it all. Gah.

Second, Pass Plus- yes I am alive, it was yesterday. I nearly killed a van driver (and myself, and my instructor, and anyone else who was behind me) when I tried to change lanes and was checking the mirror, and didn't realise I was already veering into the lane. Aherm. Apart from that, it went swimmingly :) And I managed to maintain 70mph and not die! It's weird though, when you come off the motorway- 30 feels like a craaaaaaaawl. So it went fine in the end, but the initial anxiety about doing it has just thrown me off a bit and made me generally feel worried.

Thirdly, believe it or not, university. Alone. Like, me, alone, in a city. In principle, I love the thought of being alone. Practically..? Iiiiiii'm not so sure... Certain people had better come visit! I'm already waiting. I'd say I'll visit you, but you should know me well enough to be able to envision me ending up in Plymouth/somewhere obscure, having completely malfunctioned with my navigational skills. Or lack thereof. What am I going to do?! *Heads for the nearest corner for safety*

God, there's a thought...can you imagine if my room was round? :| It doesn't bear thinking about.

That and I'm going to miss people :( You know who you are and why, lol, so I'll spare individual sentimental addresses for another time. It took me seven years to make a small handful of friends, ie people who don't intimidate me, and act as the reassuring 'You'll be fine' voice in my head- you're telling me I've gotta do another seven, starting from scratch?! Well, universe, all I can say is you're a crafty git.

And so are you, blog, for refusing to allow me to read what comments I get :( <--- an attempt to see if the sad face elicits some sympathy from Blogger, which may then take pity on me and stop censoring my comments.


  1. That was an awesome read, u forgot to mention
    ur taking pass plus! I'm scared for u! Damn motorways!
    I still find myself braking miles from a junction just incase
    sum1 has forgotton to signpost a roundabout or cross roads.
    I'm still not completeley at ease with doing speeds of 70mph
    and weaving in and out of lanes, it's suicide to me!!
    So I cmpltly emphathise with u.
    For the rest of u reading this yes I'm the one that drives
    at the pace of a milk float.

    And yes humaira I'm gna miss u, but it's better than being
    stuck in dewsbury forever! Imagine that! ( turns on laptop
    and hits favourites, 'visit dewsbury' ahhhh...
    Sob sob

  2. Eyup aunty, thanks for commenting! My fan base is now truly biased: friends AND family, lol :D Aherm. Not that I told you to read this.
    Aww, I forgot to tell you about pass plus! It all happened so fast (except for the actual motorway part, where initially I refused to go over 50mph, lol). But yeah, it's definitely scary going at that speed. Think I'll join you at milk float pace :)
    God knows how you miss Dewsbury, I really hope I don't end up feeling some kind of twisted nostalgia for it.. :| That would be a sad state of affairs.
    *waves madly* :D

  3. Humaira thank you for the pep talk on my blog. Going to miss you so much :'(
    We're all in the same position it seems and god University is scaring the crap out of me atm. You will do amazingly well with your wit and your intelligence so buck up mon amigo. Just remember to drop your old pal a text or comment occasionally and we can survive this suicide mission together.
    And if all else fails I'll still be a voice in your head!
    I will be coming to visit you shortly!
    Love you lots
    and many waves!
    PS: The Universe is a crafty git.
    PPS: Also I would love to bring our two corners together, a more stylish depressing pair have never been seen before.

  4. Bry, Can we stick a third corner on and make a kind of triangle?
    I will be coming to Leicster as soon as I can mush :) (mainly to ensure that you don't end up in Plymouth by accident, although I'd hope by now you can navigate your way to Leeds, but, yea never
    Good Luck! And you will be fine! (and I will continue to be one of the voices that repeats that to you on a regular basis :] )

  5. Haha, loving the idea of a corner triangle. Kinda like the Bermuda triangle... Thank you both for continuing your posts as 'reassuring head voices', it's much appreciated, and I will be sure to reply to you out loud, thus disconcerting whoever I'm with at the time (Y).
    Jenny- like hell I'd get to Leeds unscathed. And I hope you two do come visit! It would make my week :D And eventually, once I've built confidence with public transport, I'll return the visit, lol :)